Are your needs expendable?
Is your plate full? Too full? What do you do when something else gets heaped on top? What do you sacrifice to make room for your new responsibility? Where do you make adjustments so you can do this additional task?
If you’re like many people when they first come to me–achievers with full plates, lots of drive, and a penchant for “doing it all”–you likely do something automatically without even thinking about it. Can you think of what that something is? In case you’re not sure, I’ll remind you. You drop yourself out. Whether this means you choose to get a little less sleep, skip one of your workouts, or stay late at work instead of joining your spouse for dinner, you sacrifice your own needs and even your values just so you can get this new thing done.
I’ve got two questions for you:
- If “dropping yourself out” describes you to a T, what would have to change in order for you to change your ways?
- If you don’t “drop yourself out,” what strategies do you use to ensure that your needs and your responsibilities get fulfilled?
Ways to help ensure that your needs get met
- Know what your needs and wants are. If you don’t know what they are, getting them fulfilled will be much more difficult.
- Ask that your needs and wants get fulfilled. Expecting others to do this without telling them what you want will set you up for disappointment.
- Don’t deny your needs. If your habit is to say “it doesn’t matter” or “I don’t care,” people may stop consulting you altogether. You’re human. You have needs. Admit it.
- Fulfill your own needs. Sometimes we’re on our own, so it’s invaluable to know how to satisfying yourself rather than being dependent on others to “take care of you.”
- Distinguish between your needs and wants. Needs – water, shelter, love, respect — are essential to our physical, mental, and psychological well-being. Without fulfillment of our needs we could die (physically or spiritually). Wants – positively impacting the world, getting the “perfect” color of shoes, fitting into size 2 jeans — are optional. We might ultimately be happier with our wants fulfilled, yet even with unfulfilled wants, our life can still be rich and rewarding.
“The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he’s got an abscess on his knee or in his soul.”
~ Carol Burnett
Open letter to America
I wrote this “letter to America” back in August of 2005 and have been feeling much of these same sentiments again. I share this letter with you–fellow Americans and fellow world citizens–and invite you to respond. What are you feeling? What most concerns your heart? What are you noticing in your lives and communities? What ideas do you have that could set us on a new course of action? What are you hoping and praying for? What is your vision of a bright future for all?
Dear America,I’m hurting and I think you are too. There was once a time when our brothers and sisters of the world looked upon us with a smile in their eyes and appreciation in their hearts. We, though always bearing human frailties and shortcomings, were compassionate, helpful, and generous with our great gifts. We spoke openly, plainly, and lovingly in conversations—with those whom we understood and those who seemed foreign to us. We reached out our hands to embrace, help, heal—both nearby and far away. We looked for ways to be of service for the largest number, and believed in the abundance of our planet. We took care to share our place at the table, taking only the room that we truly needed for ourselves. This American way reflected the best that is present in each and every one of us, even at this very moment.
I fear that we’ve now lost our hold on that brilliance in our souls. Though still generous, helpful and compassionate, we spend much of our life in ways that bring more darkness to the world than light. Out of our true pain and losses, we’ve scrambled for solace, which seems far away like the pinnacle of a mountain peak at whose base we stand. In this dash to recover our brighter selves we’ve let fear drive us to act in ways that do not become us. We’ve allowed our fellow citizens to commit horrendous acts in our names. We’ve enclosed our hearts in barbed wire and brittle stone and forgotten the pain we tend to inflict when we act out of our anger and fear. We’ve shunned our questioning brothers and sisters and sought company only of those who pat our backs and keep quiet about misgivings they have. We’ve traded our place at the table with others for a spot in the corner that feels more distant by the day.
I want something different for us. I pray for something different. I believe that you too want something different, for I believe that I am both the reaper and sower, both creator and destroyer, both citizen and foreigner, both you and me. We contain both darkness and light and cannot truly separate ourselves from one another. While accepting that I/we will still wound and spread darkness at times, I ask for us all to step boldly backwards from the precipice that we’re approaching. We have tremendous potential as a creative, intuitive, passionate, and wise species. We are needed by our brothers and sisters and our finned, furred, and feathered fellow planetary dwellers. This is a time to reclaim our inner brilliance and let it shine a new path for us to walk. We can lead ourselves from the darkness we’ve been creating.
Have compassion for yourselves and forgive yourself for the unloving acts you’ve done. Open your heart to those who confound you and forgive them for the unloving acts they’ve committed. Create this space of healing to open up in us once again. Let us all come back to the table. And let all humanity work together to heal the wounds we’ve inflicted and received.
Shonnie Lavender
(originally written and shared via email on August 24, 2005)
Spiritual Cinema Circle — The best movies you’ll ever see
Since 2004, Bruce (my husband) and I have seen some of the most heart-warming, funny, inspiring, thought-provoking, interesting, unusual, meaningful, and magical movies. The films include features, documentaries and shorts. Some are animated, most are live action. Many films are from foreign countries. All of them are independent and unique.
We’ve seen these amazing films through our membership in the Spiritual Cinema Circle, a DVD club that specializes in uplifting and inspiring films. These are movies for people who want cinema that opens their heart, expands their mind and stirs their soul!
Each month, members pay $21 plus shipping and receive 4 films on DVD. The DVDs are yours to keep so you’ll get to build a library of inspiring films (this is one of my favorite parts of membership because then we can share our favorite films with others). Members of the Circle also get access to members-only teleconferences with amazing people such as Marianne Williamson, Neale Donald Walsch, Deepak Chopra, James Ray, and more!
The Spiritual Cinema Circle (SCC) generally offers a special trial membership deal (you often pay just the shipping for that month), so you can check it out risk-free (you may cancel at any time and for any reason).
“I love movies, but the movies I get from Spiritual Cinema Circle love me.”
~ Gary Zukav
Spiritual Cinema Circle Films for September 2007
Believe In Me (feature film)
A young man dreams of being an important basketball coach until he is forced to take a job as the coach of an all-girls team. Though he fears his short career will come to an end, what actually happens is nothing short of a miracle. The joy, tears and friendships captured in this wonderful film remind us how important it is to put our faith in a higher plan. This is a film for the whole family!
7 Days With 7 Dogs (short film)
Two of SCC’s original filmmakers spend a week taking their furry friends from one beautiful doggy heaven to another. This short documentary reveals the joy that comes from giving something wonderful to others.
5 Wishes; The Conversation (short film)
This insightful film probes the depths of what it takes to find peace and comfort within ourselves and our relationships, while opening a door to new possibility.
Now You See Me, Now You Don’t (short film)
This intense, award-winning film from Hungary conveys its powerful message through suspense and chilling action. A simple story unfolds to reveal healing in many forms.
See previews of these films by visiting the Spiritual Cinema Circle’s Preview page. Click on the month of September for the films described above, or watch any previews that interest you.
Earn money with the Spiritual Cinema Circle
Another great thing you can do if you find that you are a huge spiritual cinema circle fan, is join their affiliate program. This allows you to earn money for people you refer to become members. You can find out more about the SCC affiliate program using the link below.
All the links above do connect to our affiliate account and potentially earn us money. If you prefer, you can visit the Spiritual Cinema Circle directly at spiritualcinemacircle.com.
“I love from Spiritual Cinema Circle because every month a DVD with entertainment that is right in line with my spiritual approach to life arrives in the mail. I’m always so excited as I know I’ll appreciate what I see.”
~ india.arie
Increase your resiliency
“Fall down seven times, get up eight.”
~ Japanese Proverb
Yesterday I had just left my house, heading for the gym, when I fell off my bike, landing hard, mostly on my chin and left knee. I got up slowly, gently touching my bleeding chin and surveying the rest of the damage. I then walked back home to put ice on my injuries and nurse my wounds. Upon recounting the incident to my husband after he returned from an injury-free bike ride to and from the gym, he said, “That’s one of the things I love about you, that you’re tough like that.” I felt very touched. He was right, of course. I’ve had my share of physical bumps and scrapes as well as plenty of emotional cuts and bruises, yet I’ve always found a way to recover, usually stronger than I was in the first place.
Life is full of injuries and incidents, so avoiding pain isn’t an option. What we can do, however, is be resilient–spiritually strong–so that we bounce back whenever we take a fall, rebounding to fully enjoy the pain-free moments life abundantly offers.
How to bounce back from life’s setbacks
Choose not to suffer. At some level, I think many of us like to suffer occasionally. It evokes sympathy in others and can be a great excuse if we’re needing one. Suffering makes us brittle–susceptible to more injuries in the future. Feel the pain (physical or emotional), cry, wail, moan, curse, lament your situation. Be your wounded self 100%, no holding back. Get all that emotion out. Then, take a deep breath (or 20), and move on, whether that means cleaning your wounds, icing an injury, or nurturing your bruised ego or soul. Feel the pain then let it go so you can be free.- Be with other resilient people. I’ve found it much easier to develop my strength when I’m around other strong people. They’re role models and can be great sources of insight and information as I seek to cultivate similar strengths. When I see them bounce back, I’m inspired to respond to my own troubles in like fashion. I also get to inspire them when they see me rebound from some letdown in my life. It’s a mutually-supportive relationship.
- Focus more on the “good” in life. When we view life as mainly problems with a few good times thrown in, it’s easy to stay down when we fall. Instead, when you choose to believe that life’s positive moments far out-number the negative ones, it’s more likely that you’ll view a down time as a temporary situation. Mentally you already set yourself up for the rebound.
- Fall lightly. Okay, easier said than done when your fall is divorce, disease, or some other personal disaster. How we perceive our “injury” points us toward either quicker rebound or longer recovery. If we have the attitude that “this is the end of life as I know it,” chances are that statement will become true for us. On the other hand, if we remind ourselves, “this is bad, yet I’ll get through it,” or “wow, that hurt, I’ll pay better attention next time,” it’s easier to swing up toward recovery because our attitude is lighter. Humor can be a great tool to use when you want to rebound quickly.
“Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.”
~ Bern Williams
What do you do that keeps you resilient to life’s bumps and bruises?
Are you too responsible?
Most of the coaching clients I’ve worked with have one of two challenges with responsibility. See which of these choices mirrors the way you do your life.
- They make others responsible for their own well being. I recognize these clients because they say things like, “She made me so angry,” or “He likes to hurt my feelings.”
- They believe that they are responsible for others’ well being. These clients highlight this belief with such phrases as, “I don’t want to hurt her feelings,” or “I have to be careful of what I say around him otherwise he’ll get mad.”
Either choice actually does a disservice to all parties involved. The first paints us as the victim and another person as our attacker/adversary. The second burdens us with being “at fault” for whatever happens. Stop taking either extreme. Instead, own responsibility for your life and all your choices–everything you choose to think, feel, say, and do; AND stop taking responsibility for others’ lives and all their choices–everything they choose to think, feel, say, and do.
“Learning to assume total responsibility for your life is no small task. Keep reminding yourself that you are it. No one else is responsible for your happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, competence, health, or life situation but you.”
~ Kevin Cashman“In the end, the only person who can be the boss of anyone is himself or herself.”
~ Betty Healey
Concern, influence, or commitment? A look at Stephen Covey’s “circles”
In Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People he writes about two circles which contain our lives,
the Circle of Concern and the Circle of Influence.
- Circle of Concern — encompassing all the things we care about; ranges from our personal concerns (health, career, relationships, etc.) to our global concerns (global warming, war, recession, etc.)
- Circle of Influence — includes the things we have the power to affect; this circle is smaller than the Circle of Concern
The book goes on to show its readers how to be proactive and affect change by focusing their energies in their Circle of Influence.
The problems with Covey’s Circles of Concern and Influence
We undercut our power and mistakenly place things outside our Circle of Influence
“The problems all of us face fall in one of three areas: direct control (problems involving our own behavior); indirect control (problems involving other people’s behavior); or no control (problems we can do nothing about, such as our past, or situational realities).”
~ Stephen R. Covey
We have the tendency to underestimate our capacity to influence life, effectively placing things in our Circle of Concern rather than in our Circle of Influence. For instance, because we can’t (most likely) solve global warming individually, we may abdicate the power we do have saying, “That’s too big of a problem. I’m just one person. I can’t change it.” The truth, however, is that we can take action that does affect global warming, even if it doesn’t eliminate it. Notice where you’re unconsciously giving up your power to affect change by lumping issues into that place “out there” where you think you have no control. Then choose to take whatever actions you can to use your power as effectively as possible.
We fail to focus more intentionally even within our Circle of Influence
“The proactive approach is to change from the inside-out; to be different, and by being different to effect positive change in what’s out there — I can be more resourceful, I can be more diligent, I can be a more creative, I can be more cooperative.”
~ Stephen R. Covey
The challenge in the Circle of Influence is to focus our energies, efforts, and power for the greatest effect. Even when we admit that we have more potential to influence life, that potential can go unfulfilled when we don’t concentrate sufficiently. Covey writes, “At the very heart of our Circle of Influence is our ability to make and keep commitments and promises.” I
agree. In fact, I see a third circle that moves as your focus changes. This Circle of Commitment represents the area within your Circle of Influence where you are intentionally putting your time and energy (whether you do so for 10 minutes or the next year). This circle symbolizes the difference between the statements “I can” and “I will.” We each “can” do many things, yet only when we focus “will” we accomplish what we envision. Notice where you are not fully committing to the things you can do. Make conscious choices to follow though on your desires with action.
Your attitude determines your results
Most people seem to think that their problems are someone else’s fault and that creating the life they want for themselves is dependent on other people (or other situations) being different than they are. Such thinking is simply wrong, false, faulty, and disempowering. What we experience in our life is of our own creation. Even when other people are involved, what is created could not come into existence without our involvement.
As a coach, I have the privilege of helping my clients turn around situations they dislike, improve relationships that have weighed them down, and make changes to enhance their lives in numerous ways. One of the first places I start with nearly all of my clients is their mindset, attitude, or outlook. Most people are unaware of the power of their thoughts and the way they talk about the world around them. Somehow, even in this modern day and age, many seem surprised to learn that the results they get in life start out as thoughts, beliefs, and ideas we hold in our mind.
When my clients start using their mental capacity in a more conscious, intentional way, there are miraculous changes that begin taking place (dramatic increases in financial wealth; significant decreases in stress, worry, and physical woes; greater happiness and deeper connections with loved ones; strengthened self-esteem and self-confidence; the list goes on).
Three simple ways to coach yourself to greatness in life
- Observe your thoughts. Listen to your words. Pay attention to your reactions to events and people around you.
- Replace ANY thought, word, or attitude that weighs you down with a thought, word, or attitude that frees you up.
- Tell the truth, yet do so in a way that inspires you (and those around you).
It’s as simple as that to plant the seeds of success. When you change what you plant–your thoughts, beliefs, and attitude–what you grow changes too.
Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.
~ Buddha
What has happened for you when you’ve shifted your mindset or altered your attitude?
Bye, bye busy — find more time for what matters
“There’s this perception that if you worry a lot and if you look really busy and stressed out then you’ll be more successful. You talk about how little sleep you get and how tensed you are and how you’re not getting the appreciation you deserve and how hard you’re working. You think this is somehow feeding into your success and your career, and that’s just not true. Any success that you have in your career is despite your being all bothered and annoyed and stressed out - not because of it.”
~ Nancy Mayer
Busyness is a common ailment of many of my clients (and friends and family and even something that afflicts me from time to time). In fact, many people experience busyness as a chronic condition. This busyness in turn contributes to other dis-eases:
- stress
- lack of self-awareness
- disconnection from what is personally meaningful
- less than optimal relationships
- poor physical health
How to make time for what matters most to you
If you’re truly ready to give up the frantic rush and create a life where you have more “free” time, you must determine why you like being busy. Yes, you’re busy because you like it, no matter what you say to the contrary. If you weren’t getting some payoff from the busyness, you wouldn’t choose to be busy. So the first step in becoming less busy is to identify why you’re busy now–in other words, find the source(s) of your busyness.
Below are ten common reasons people are living busy lives (personalized so you can read them and see if they ring true for you). Look through the list and identify the top 2-3 sources of your hurry scurry life. Then, start taking steps to eliminate those busyness-inducing-factors from your life (If you need help, consider hiring me as your coach.)
- I have difficulty saying no.
- I have good reasons for not delegating or sharing certain tasks.
- I procrastinate.
- I take on a lot of responsibility.
- I easily get distracted from the task at hand.
- I’m avoiding something/someone by keeping busy.
- I tend to underestimate how much time or effort a project might need.
- I really do function best under pressure.
- I’m an idea person/creative-type/entrepreneur.
- I lack structure or organization.
“I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
~ Steven Wright
What’s the number one reason that you’re so busy? Are you ready to start pursuing a less busy life?
