Inventing yourself anew
“As soon as we succumb to someone else’s definition of who we are, we lose our sense of true self and of our right relation to the world. It makes no difference whether those projections make us the hero or the goat: when we allow others to name us, we lose touch with our own truth and undermine our capacity to cocreate in life-giving ways with ‘the other.’”
~ Parker Palmer in A Hidden Wholeness
I’m a recovering people pleaser. To me what this means is that I’m learning not to take things personally–the “good” or the “bad”–and also to not judge myself (Yes, I worked hard to keep everyone, myself included, happy.). The beneficial part of being a people pleaser is that I’m attuned to the wants and needs of others and I’m considerate of those around me. The main down side is that I often based my “okay-ness” on the opinions of the people around me. One of my transformational goals, therefore, is to stay attuned to others wants and needs without being a slave to them.
Is there part of your way of being in the world that doesn’t serve you? Do you have a behavior or habit that makes it easy for you to stifle the best part of who you are? Rather than completely abandoning your “former ways,” consider how you can adapt them so that they serve you and others simultaneously. Make micro adjustments in your actions until you find the right balance for you and the life you now choose to live.
Random personal facts (good for trivia games and blog memes)
Back in July, I attended my first ever blogging conference–BlogHer ‘07 to be exact. I had a fantastic time and declared it the “best conference ever.” I stayed at the Hi-Hostel in Chicago and now want to look for great hostels whenever I travel. One of my hostel mates is Adrienne and she’s the creator of Baby Toolkit where she and her husband, Jim, offer “tips, tactics, & gear reviews for parents.” Well, recently Adrienne “tagged” me with the “8 random facts about me” meme (she wrote her own 8 random facts with much humor, so check it out).
Meme Rules
- Post these rules before you give your facts
- List 8 random facts about yourself
- At the end of your post, choose (tag) 8 people and list their names, linking to them
- Leave a comment on their blog, letting them know they’ve been tagged
Random facts about Shonnie (accurate as of October 2007)
- I am adopted. This has been a blessing in my life in so many ways. I was raised by wonderful parents who were able to provide me with so many amazing opportunities throughout my life. Plus, since the mid-1990s, I’ve been reunited with my birthmom and that part of the family who gave me life. Though I know many people want to have their own children, I think that adoption would help heal much of this world’s suffering as there are millions of children wanting parents and as many people who want a child to love.
I have five wonderful children (That’s cats to you and babies to me.). Bruce and I are blessed to call Chocolate (18 years old), Kaali (13), Attabi (12), Bandit, and Desmond (8, brothers) our family. We are a blended family (formerly “his,” “mine,” and “ours”) who get along very well, love to sleep together, and peacefully share our 1,000 square foot home.- I am a happy, healthy vegetarian. I stopped eating red meat in 1992 when my mom stopped eating it. Chicken and other poultry flew the coop around 1997, and fish/seafood no longer were part of our diet (both Bruce and me follow the same diet) starting in 2004. This is one of the best choices I’ve ever made in my life–for my physical health, my spiritual peace, for the health of our planet (learn why no true environmentalist can eat meat), and for the sacred life of the other creatures with whom we share our earthly home.
- I am an avid trail runner. Since moving to Asheville in 1997, Bruce and I have ditched road running for hoofing it in the pristine and peaceful mountain trails that abound around our lovely town. Most weekends we can be found scrambling up or scurrying down the challenging single-track footpath known as the Mountains-to-Sea trail (learn more about this 900+ mile trail that traverses North Carolina).
- I am a grandmother to two fantastic kids and aunt to two other awesome young ‘uns. Molly and Jack (grandkids) visit us each year for a week that includes a white water rafting trip and at least a few conversations in Pig Latin. Jason and Marissa (nephew and niece) just had their first camping trip on a visit to North Carolina with mom and dad and I know I definitely want more of that kind of time with them in the future.
- My husband, Bruce, is not only my honey, but also my business partner, running buddy, and spiritual soulmate. Though we have a 28 year chronological age difference, we figure that because I act so much older than I am and he is a kid at heart, we average out at mid-forty as a shared age. We met while training for the Austin Marathon back in 1995, began dating in 1996, moved to NC in 1997, and married in 1999. Together we authored, I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook (read about this book for couples that want to write their own wedding or commitment/re-commitment vows), and do much of our professional work together.
- I’m chair of the board for Jubilee! Community, a spiritual community/church, that truly practices what we preach. While I’m the most progressive thinker in my family, I’m also the most regular church goer (go figure). This community, though Christian-based, shares the wisdom of numerous traditions and spiritual teachings (learn about Jubilee).
- I’m currently looking for signs from the universe about what path I’m meant to now walk in life. Professionally I’m currently a coach and consultant, though at heart everything I do in work is about teaching. To that end I’m considering if I want to formalize that vocation, and if so, in what particular way will most suit me and best serve the world.
Now, as the saying goes, “Enough about me. What about you?” If you’d like to offer some random facts about yourself, drop a note in the comments area. Specifically, if you’re one of the following folks, please join in the fun by participating in the “8 Random Facts About Me” meme:
- Margot Wurst, adoption triad coach
- Sherri Singleton, health and fitness coach
- Jay Joslin, actor, author, designer, minister, student
- Ben Daniel, progressive minister and writer of spiritual and political commentary
Are your needs expendable?
Is your plate full? Too full? What do you do when something else gets heaped on top? What do you sacrifice to make room for your new responsibility? Where do you make adjustments so you can do this additional task?
If you’re like many people when they first come to me–achievers with full plates, lots of drive, and a penchant for “doing it all”–you likely do something automatically without even thinking about it. Can you think of what that something is? In case you’re not sure, I’ll remind you. You drop yourself out. Whether this means you choose to get a little less sleep, skip one of your workouts, or stay late at work instead of joining your spouse for dinner, you sacrifice your own needs and even your values just so you can get this new thing done.
I’ve got two questions for you:
- If “dropping yourself out” describes you to a T, what would have to change in order for you to change your ways?
- If you don’t “drop yourself out,” what strategies do you use to ensure that your needs and your responsibilities get fulfilled?
Ways to help ensure that your needs get met
- Know what your needs and wants are. If you don’t know what they are, getting them fulfilled will be much more difficult.
- Ask that your needs and wants get fulfilled. Expecting others to do this without telling them what you want will set you up for disappointment.
- Don’t deny your needs. If your habit is to say “it doesn’t matter” or “I don’t care,” people may stop consulting you altogether. You’re human. You have needs. Admit it.
- Fulfill your own needs. Sometimes we’re on our own, so it’s invaluable to know how to satisfying yourself rather than being dependent on others to “take care of you.”
- Distinguish between your needs and wants. Needs – water, shelter, love, respect — are essential to our physical, mental, and psychological well-being. Without fulfillment of our needs we could die (physically or spiritually). Wants – positively impacting the world, getting the “perfect” color of shoes, fitting into size 2 jeans — are optional. We might ultimately be happier with our wants fulfilled, yet even with unfulfilled wants, our life can still be rich and rewarding.
“The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he’s got an abscess on his knee or in his soul.”
~ Carol Burnett
