Do you help, fix, or serve?

“If you have come here to help me, you are wasting our time. If you have come here because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”

~ Lilla Watson, an Aboriginal Australian

If you’re like me, you have a noble picture of the “helping professions”–medicine, education, social services, mental health, non-profit or government aid. Selfless individuals who are there to help people in times of need. And, while I still have great admiration for people in these roles, I now see a difference in how these care givers behave. The ones whom I most respect are those who act out of service.

The differences between helping, fixing, and serving

While distinguishing between “serving” and “helping” might seem inconsequential on the surface, the effects each produce are often quite dissimilar as can be understood in a writing from author Rachel Naomi Remen, called, “In the Service of Life” (PDF). Below is a quote from Ms. Remen’s piece that eloquently speaks to how unique helping, fixing, and serving really are.

“Serving is different from helping. Helping is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When you help you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength. Serving is also different from fixing. When I fix a person, I perceive them as broken, and their brokenness requires me to act. The bottom line, of course, is that we can fix without serving. And we can help without serving. And we can serve without fixing or helping. I think that I would go so far as to say that fixing and helping may often be the work of the ego and service the work of the soul. These things may look similar if you’re watching from the outside, but the inner experience is different. The outcome is often different too.”

~ Rachel Naomi Remen

My personal experience

I know that at times my actions are not inspired by selfless service. The desires of my ego sometimes motivate my actions. For instance, in my delusions of omnipotence I think I know what someone else needs or what will make their situation better. When I come from these underlying beliefs, I see an unequal relationship–I am powerful, the other person is disempowered. Such judgment is neither good for me and the person I’m seeking to work with, nor is it effective as they don’t gain a true sense of their own power and I overestimate my own.

So, I do my best to keep Remen’s words in mind, both as a coach and as a person, reminding myself that my highest intention is to serve. I intend to be a partner with others, walking side by side, offering my gifts in a natural way, seeking to play my part in creating a journey that uplifts us both and enables us to grow in whatever ways we were meant to grow. When I am guided by service, the results–for me, the other person, and even the wider world–astound and humble me.

Reality check: Are you generally helping, fixing, or serving? What happens when you focus on being of service?

Filed under: Mindfulness, Purpose by Shonnie on May 28, 2007 |

6 Comments »

That reminds me of some of the messages from the book and the film The way of the peaceful warrior in that there is no higher purpose than service.

I was recently in the situation where I had the choice to serve others or serve my own needs. I think I took the path of serving others but I guess not everyone would see it that way. I’ll one day tell that tale, who knows one day in person or I’ll email you the story and you can decide for yourself!

Comment by Amit — May 29, 2007 @ 6:55 pm
As I read you comment Amit, I’m reminded that if one believes we are all one, then there would be no distinction between “self-service” and “service to others.” My gut tells me that it’s our underlying intention that matters. Are we in it to gain solely for ourselves and get something at others’ expense? Or are we making a choice primarily because of what it allows us to offer, regardless of the “compensation” we may receive?

Thanks, as usual, for sparking more ideas for me. Namaste.

Comment by Shonnie — May 30, 2007 @ 10:13 am
Its funny you should say that because I do believe that we all are one, but I didn’t remember that at the time. All I thought about was then setting my feelings for someone aside so that she and my best friend could get to know each other better as they seemed to have a romantic spark. So I told them both just to go for it and if they felt strongly about each other then to persue what they felt was right!

LOL, well I guess I’ve aired all now!

Comment by Amit — May 30, 2007 @ 11:16 am
One of the heart’s greatest challenges. What a great gift you offered your friends. Perhaps now it’s time to receive.

Comment by Shonnie — May 30, 2007 @ 12:22 pm
Receive in what way?

Comment by Amit — May 30, 2007 @ 3:14 pm
The love. You’re good at gifting it, so I thought you might be due to be on the receiving end of some loving gifts.

Comment by Shonnie — June 2, 2007 @ 3:52 pm