Knowing what to hold on to or let go of
My friend Amit who blogs at The Power of Choice, recently wrote a post about his “holding onto” a negative situation from work even though it had been resolved. I’m confident that like Amit, all of us sometimes rehash or stay stuck with unpleasant memories even though we don’t have to.
Below are my off-the-top-of-my-head/heart thoughts on things to keep and things to release from our lives.
Hold onto these things in your life
- Love – whether real or imagined, loving thoughts and feelings are good for you
- Beliefs that serve you — if a belief gives you more confidence, hope, faith, or courage, that’s got to be positive
- Nurturing memories — perhaps because we all have down times in life, having a storehouse of happy, joyful, or pleasant memories can be beneficial (and fun to remember)
- Childlike wonder — though we get sensible as adults, retaining our ability to be captivated, enchanted, mesmerized, and awe-struck is good for the soul
- Uplifting relationships — people and animals who love us unconditionally and whom we love with all our hearts are irreplaceable, so care for them well
“May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human enough hope to make you happy.”
~ Anonymous
Release these things from your life
- Judgment – whether your criticism is for yourself or others, judgment is a separating, soul-stifling act
- Resentment – this emotion only keeps pain fresh and wounds you over and over again
- Guilt – would’ve, could’ve, should’ve can’t turn back time, so make amends when appropriate and forgive yourself (you’re human, remember)
- Fear – though we’re all bound to feel frightened from time to time, build up your muscles of trust and let go of as much fear as you possibly can
- Unworthiness – my experience as a human and coach is that most of us somewhere believe that we are unworthy of love or that we must do something and avoid other things in order to receive love; NOT TRUE. You, me, and everyone else is worthy of love just because that’s the way it is.
If you have other items to add to my lists, drop them in the comments area. May you have a day filled with carrying only those things which uplift you and enliven your soul.
“Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?”
~ Mary Manin Morrissey
Do you help, fix, or serve?
“If you have come here to help me, you are wasting our time. If you have come here because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”
~ Lilla Watson, an Aboriginal Australian
If you’re like me, you have a noble picture of the “helping professions”–medicine, education, social services, mental health, non-profit or government aid. Selfless individuals who are there to help people in times of need. And, while I still have great admiration for people in these roles, I now see a difference in how these care givers behave. The ones whom I most respect are those who act out of service.
The differences between helping, fixing, and serving
While distinguishing between “serving” and “helping” might seem inconsequential on the surface, the effects each produce are often quite dissimilar as can be understood in a writing from author Rachel Naomi Remen, called, “In the Service of Life” (PDF). Below is a quote from Ms. Remen’s piece that eloquently speaks to how unique helping, fixing, and serving really are.
“Serving is different from helping. Helping is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When you help you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength. Serving is also different from fixing. When I fix a person, I perceive them as broken, and their brokenness requires me to act. The bottom line, of course, is that we can fix without serving. And we can help without serving. And we can serve without fixing or helping. I think that I would go so far as to say that fixing and helping may often be the work of the ego and service the work of the soul. These things may look similar if you’re watching from the outside, but the inner experience is different. The outcome is often different too.”
~ Rachel Naomi Remen
My personal experience
I know that at times my actions are not inspired by selfless service. The desires of my ego sometimes motivate my actions. For instance, in my delusions of omnipotence I think I know what someone else needs or what will make their situation better. When I come from these underlying beliefs, I see an unequal relationship–I am powerful, the other person is disempowered. Such judgment is neither good for me and the person I’m seeking to work with, nor is it effective as they don’t gain a true sense of their own power and I overestimate my own.
So, I do my best to keep Remen’s words in mind, both as a coach and as a person, reminding myself that my highest intention is to serve. I intend to be a partner with others, walking side by side, offering my gifts in a natural way, seeking to play my part in creating a journey that uplifts us both and enables us to grow in whatever ways we were meant to grow. When I am guided by service, the results–for me, the other person, and even the wider world–astound and humble me.
Reality check: Are you generally helping, fixing, or serving? What happens when you focus on being of service?
Love and commitment — a winning combination
At the peace rally held in Washington, D.C., just before the US went to war in Iraq, one of the things we often chanted was “this is what democracy looks like.” I think that if you want to know what love and commitment look like, you can find the answer in the story of Dick and Ricky Hoyt. May this touching video inspire you to boldly give your love and commitment in whatever way life calls you to.
“Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to evolve you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.”
~ Barbara De Angelis
What’s beautiful in your world today?
One of the great assets of modern humanity is our ability to see problems where they exist because in order to improve things we must be able to identify what does not work. However, one weakness of this habit is that many people are so “problem focused” that they miss seeing what’s already working.
Our state of mind is created by (or at least strongly influenced by) where we put our attention. So, while there are things in our world to improve or change, practice focusing on what’s already wonderful.
Energy flows where attention goes.
~ James Arthur Ray
Today (and for as many days as you want to continue this practice), I invite you to put your attention on the “beautiful” parts of your life and our world . . .
- what works well,
- what functions smoothly,
- what energizes you,
- what satisfies your soul,
- what makes your breath catch in your throat,
- what makes you laugh,
- what brings tears of gratitude to your eyes.
If you are so moved, please share the beauty you see in your world today.
Five steps to simple, sustainable change
To change one’s life:
- Start immediately
- Do it flamboyantly
- No exceptions.
~ William James
I appreciate the simplicity of William James’ quote. Over 5 years of professional coaching, I’ve found that people seem to make change more complex than it really is.
Here’s a quick, simple process for initiating change in your life. All you need for success is to be diligent in following the steps.
- Identify what you want to change. Notice I didn’t write what you “should,” “have to,” or “need” to change. If you don’t want to do it, you won’t.
- Be specific about the new result you want to achieve. “I want to have 3 ideal clients by May 31, 2007,” is specific. “I want some more clients,” isn’t definitive enough.
- Choose bite-sized actions that will move you closer to your goal. These are four bite-size action steps: I will review my list of ideal client qualities daily. I will attend at least 1 networking event weekly. I will draft a letter/email to all my current clients inviting referrals. I will send the letter/email to all my current clients.
- Have fun and celebrate your successes. If your journey to change feels like a huge chore, chances are you’ll stop doing it at some point. Do things to pat yourself on the back for each action you take and make the process as enjoyable as reaching the final destination.
- Evaluate your progress. Be truthful AND patient in this process. Sometimes we stop taking action if we cannot see immediate results, yet the results are coming. At the same time, if an action you’ve taken doesn’t produce the results you had envisioned, see what happened, and make an adjustment for “next time.”
They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change
them yourself.~ Andy Warhol
The courage of mothers
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
~Ambrose Redmoon
Though Mother’s Day is now controlled by Hallmark and many of us think of this holiday as the time we give thanks to the mothers in our lives, Mother’s Day has an origin much different than most of us know. The video below explains the original Mother’s Day celebration and gives us an opportunity to join in the traditional aim of the mothers who founded the day.
May we each find the courage of the women who first celebrated Mother’s Day. May we answer the calls of our hearts as these women did, following our own unique path through life. May we take time to create peace within ourselves and on our planet. May we give thanks to the mothers who helped us become who we are today.
Accomplish your biggest dreams. . .starting now
I have an irrepressible desire to live till I can be assured that the world is a little better for my having lived in it.
~Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. president
What’s the song that plays in your heart that you’re afraid to sing out loud?
What dreams from your youth tug at the sleeve of your soul?
What visions dance in your mind until you remember you’re
too busy, too old, or too settled to pursue them?
We all have contributions to make to our world. In large and small ways, we are here to share our gifts. Many of us, however, substitute trivial ambitions for meaningful desires, not because we don’t have passion, but because we listen to that little voice in our heads that says we’re not “enough” to give ourselves to following such calls.
Our ordinary mind always tries to persuade us that we are nothing but acorns and that our greatest happiness will be to become bigger, fatter, shinier acorns; but that is of interest only to pigs. Our faith gives us knowledge of something better: that we can become oak trees.
~E.F. Schumacher
The world needs your biggest game!
I believe we’re at a crucial time when it’s no longer enough to sit on the sidelines, play the small parts, or delay the pursuit of our dreams until everything is “just right.” Right now, all the forces of the universe are waiting for you to stand up and give the best you can offer. There is no better time–in fact, there is no other moment than this present instant, to commit yourself to giving all that you’ve got. This may be your last opportunity. . .start making your visions into reality, take your dreams out of the closet, and let loose that song in your heart.
Always remember this. . .
- Though you may still doubt yourself from time to time. . .
- Though you may occasionally feel discouraged, confused, or disillusioned. . .
- Though you may sometimes believe you’re all alone. . .
There is someone/thing that remains in constant connection with you, knowing your true heart, your deepest dreams, and your greatest gifts. This spirit has a message for you. A message for you to remember for all those times when you lose hope that your biggest dreams can come true. This spirit gives voice through the gifts of Nick Arandes, and his song (or spirit’s song with Nick’s voice), I Believe In You (listen/watch below).
Thank you Nick, for this powerful, evocative reminder that there is always faith in us, even when we’ve forgotten to have that faith in ourselves.
Oh, the worst of all tragedies is not to die young, but to live until I am seventy five and yet not ever truly to have lived.
~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
