Is perfectionism your prison or your past?
Nneka who hosts the Balanced Life Center blog recently wrote Diary of a Reforming Perfectionist–a 
piece which reminded me of someone I know. Though I use the terms “recovering perfectionist,” I’m glad to know that others are setting themselves free from the prison of imagined perfection.
In my past I didn’t even know “being perfect” was what I was trying to do. My family called it “being good,” “doing your best,” or “being a good girl,” yet somehow what I interpreted was that my best needed to be the best. The other malady I suffered from in earlier life was people pleasing–doing all that I could to “make” other people happy (You know that’s not in our power, to make others happy, right?). So when I put all my habits in a row, I was a people pleasing perfectionist which looks really good on the outside, unless I was doing something better than you, in which case you called me names.
The problem of course is that what looks good on the surface isn’t always healthy deep down. My first step in popping the bubble of perfection (and people pleasing) was to simply realize what I was doing (making myself crazy). From there on it was practice, practice, practice in choosing new behaviors–not because I was trying to get it “right” but because I really wanted perfectionism and people pleasing to be relics of my past rather than realities of my present and future life.
If this piece has struck a chord with you (perhaps because you know the same song), drop me a line or leave your comments about what’s helped you extricate yourself from the perfectionist, people pleasing prison (or whatever cage into which you used to force your soul).
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Hi Shonnie, thanks for the link love.
My dad would say to me that I had to be right all the time. I would get mad, but it was so true. I always had to be right and do things just so. Got to the point it was driving me crazy. Had to let it go and glad I did.
Living life with “mistakes” is so much better.
Comment by Nneka — February 2, 2007 @ 2:59 pm
Amen to that! Thanks for giving me the mind spark to write on this topic.
Comment by Shonnie — February 2, 2007 @ 3:35 pm
Another downside to having a perfectionistic mentality is that it can result in procrastination. If you fear that your actions will not be perfect, then it’s tempting to simply idle along.
The fact is, we can always criticize, but in order to create, we have to relieve ourselves (and others) from the pressure to be perfect.
This is sometimes easier said than done, but as Shonnie points out, with conscious effort, we can break our chains of fear. There’s something to be said for “doing your best,” and not necessarily worrying about “being the best.”
p.s. Can’t wait to take your blogging course Shonnie.
Comment by J. Keeling — March 6, 2007 @ 1:36 pm
Great points about the tie ins to procrastination, Jason. (No, I’m not procrastinating from writing a speech right now, I’m simply taking a 5 minute breather.
). I also like what you mentioned about criticism, which I think many of us learned to use as a fuel–an “I’ll show them” energy booster. Though I don’t think I’ve realized this until you wrote, I think that’s counter productive too because then you’re merely doing something to “prove” or “earn” recognition when the bottom line is the deepest source of love needs to come from within us, not from some external source.
Thanks for sparking these ideas Jason! My inspiration meter is fired up and it’s back to the speech writing now.
Comment by Shonnie — March 6, 2007 @ 1:50 pm
I just realized that I have this issue in my life. This article sounds great but I still have this one thought rattling around in my mind. If I stop being a perfectionist, I’m afraid I will not do well in life as if I stayed a perfectionist. I’m afraid I will be lazy and travel blindly through life. Does this make sense to anyone else?
Comment by Fred — January 22, 2009 @ 7:34 pm
Fred, thanks for taking the time to share about your experience of perfectionism. I relate to your comment/question and here’s how I’ve answered it for myself. As a perfectionist, I was on the far end of a spectrum of effort. As I relax my demands on myself, two things have happened. One, I still produce quality work because even a couple of notches less than what I might have aimed for in the past is still excellent. Two, I am more free to produce great results because I’m not stressed and rigid from a fear of being less than perfect. Plus, I generally have a lot more fun during and after the process…and that’s a great bonus.
I welcome your (or others’) follow up comments.
Comment by Shonnie — January 24, 2009 @ 12:22 pm