When the doubts come
Most of us, no matter how solid our self-esteem, how clear our vision, how sucessful our past, will have times when the doubts come, rushing into our lives like children running to get at the presents laid under the Christmas tree. At such times it seems like nothing can shield us from their noisy, swaggering accusations even if we “know” they’re full of false bravado.
I’ve had a day like that today, when my excitement for a vision was knocked flat by a left hook of Doubt. I breathed in a deep gulp of air, hoping to steady my reeling mind. Grounded, I attempted my rebound — “You’re full of it” I reminded my assailant, “I can too make this idea fly!” Wham – “No!” — bam – “You cannot.” — slam – “It’s not possible!” Doubt shouted back, knocking me down anew. (Dang, Doubt is one tough opponent today!)
So, as I began to feel hopeless, these two thoughts popped into my head — 1) “when the doubts come” 2) poem. Trusting this voice, I logged into my blog to write and here’s what came up.
When the doubts come, let them visit
They are lonely for attention
They want someone who will listen to their point of view.Do not fight them with anger
Uncross your arms to them
Let them enter into your mind as you allow oxygen into your lungs.Doubts are like the orphaned child
They are pitied by others
Yet most people give little more than momentary interest.When the doubts come, open your arms to them
Give them your ears and your heart
Listen with compassion and understanding so that they can truly be heard.When this happens, they will go of their own accord
Just like breathe exhales itself easily from your lungs.
What do you do when the doubts come?
You should expect more
I’m not normally a fan of expectations. 
I believe they generally get in the way of us loving ourselves (”I should weigh less, have more money, have achieved more…” are some personal expectations), loving others (”If he loved me he would never raise his voice, always meet my needs, respect my choices…” are examples of expectations we have of others), and enjoying life (”Life is hard. No one else will look out for me. War is inevitable. These are expectations about life). They chain us to results that we “must” accomplish because our sense of worth is controlled by whether we succeed or fail in reaching our expected destination.
However, today I’m taking a different stand. Expectations are good AND we benefit by living up to them!* 
Now before you call me a flip-flopper, let me clarify by way of illustration.
For the past 6 weeks, I’ve been participating in a racial awareness program called Building Bridges. We begin each week’s session in a large group, listening to a presentation or watching a film about racial issues. Then we break up into small discussion groups (12-14 people).
Tonight as I was returning home the idea struck me that blacks expect more of our country (the US) than we whites (generally speaking of course). In this case I think blacks are expressing an *aspirational expectation –a desire to see a certain result–rather than an expectation of demand –an unwavering belief that the result must occur. This aspirational expectation is healthy and productive because it’s inviting our nation to be more than we might if the expectation didn’t exist. It’s as if the blacks are saying, “I believe in you USA. I see your potential. I know you can live up to your ideals. I’m here to help you be the best country you can.” They want to see this nation evolve and their expectation is calling us all to step up to the opportunity and see what we can do.
So, here’s my call to you to get more from yourself without tying your self-worth to the results you accomplish.
- Take a look at your life and the expectations you have (of yourself, others, your employer, your country, etc.).
- Classify your expectations as either aspirational or demanding.
- Take action to shift each demanding expectation to an aspirational one.
| Aspirational expectation — A strong desire to draw out the best capabilities within oneself or another. A belief in the possibility of greatness. We’re inspired to live up to it and when we fall short we seek our lessons so we can make another attempt. |
| Demanding expectation — An emphatic requirement to be or do specific things. Any result “less than” the expectation is viewed as failure and we often translate this into reduced worth (of self or other). These expectations weigh heavy on us as we often drive ourselves to meet them. |
Are you willing to play? I’d like to know your experience, your questions, and your own ideas on this subject.
Agreement or disagreement is fine, so jump into the conversation.
Sincerely,
Shonnie “Fan of aspirational expectations” Lavender
Do you give yourself permission to thrive? (part 2)
In part 1 of this series of posts I wrote about how we first need to align our beliefs with our stated desires. Here’s a quick recap of what we covered.
Aligned goals & beliefs
- Goal – To attract a magnificent mate
- Beliefs – “I’m a great person to partner with,” “I enjoy meeting new men/women,” or “I can attract exactly the ideal person for me”
- Result – Enjoyment of the process (i.e., You can have fun even while the end result is manifesting.), attracting high-quality women/men, attraction of the person you’ve been looking for.
Misaligned (counteracting) goals & beliefs
- Goal – To attract a magnificent mate
- Beliefs – “I’m not skilled in relationships,” “There are no good men/women my age,” or “There’s nowhere good to meet people like me”
- Result – Disappointment, attracting men/women who don’t meet your picture of “ideal,” reinforcement of these beliefs as you fail to achieve your goal
So now that you’ve handled your beliefs that used to block out prosperity (be it in relationships, material resources, health, etc.), you’re ready for the next step in attracting abundance. Behaving in a way that resonates with your belief in the richness in life. (FYI, If you’re wanting support in transforming your beliefs rapidly and effectively, talk to me about coaching.)
Like beliefs, behaviors must match your stated goal and aligned beliefs if you want to attract prosperity into your life (and keep it there). So here’s my quick method for seeing if your behaviors are aligned with your goals and beliefs.
Identifying what’s working and what’s not working
- Get a piece of paper.
- Write your goal at the top of the page (along a short side).
- Beneath this goal, draw a line down the center of the page, dividing the paper into two columns. At the top of the left column write, “My behaviors that support this goal” and at the top of the right column write, “My behaviors that inhibit this goal”.
- Now honestly evaluate your behaviors, listing them under the appropriate heading.
Behavior transformation process — change those negative habits to positive actions that will fuel your success
The next step is to eliminate all the inhibiting behaviors, because as long as they exist you’ll be taking two steps forward and one step back and your goal will remain elusive. There are numerous ways to approach this step. I’ll offer one here.
- Select one inhibiting behavior that you’re willing and wanting to change. (e.g., For a goal of “Be healthy and physically fit you might decide that your habit of staying up until midnight on work nights [behavior] leaves you feeling too tired or with not enough time for exercise.)
- Identify the next step “up the ladder” toward a more supportive behavior. Write this down and begin practicing this new behavior. (e.g., “I will be in bed by 11 p.m.”)
- If you sense that the new behavior is still not the most supportive of your goal, repeat step #2 going one rung higher on your ladder. (e.g., “I will be in bed with the lights out by 11 p.m.” then “I am ready for bed by 10 p.m., read something enjoyable for 30 minutes, say a gratitude prayer and then turn off the lights and am asleep by 10:45 p.m.”)
- Repeat steps #2 and 3 until your old inhibiting behavior has been eliminated or transformed into a totally supportive way of being.
- Start again at step #1 with another one of your inhibiting beliefs.
Feel free to email this article to friends, colleagues, family — anyone who you think might have a goal or two they really want to accomplish. Your feedback on my ideas is welcome as well. Let me know how this behavior change process works for you. Especially feel free to tell me about any challenges you encounter. Peace.
Do you give yourself permission to thrive? (part 1)
“Of course I do,” is likely your automatic response. “I want to be happy, have nice things, be in good relationships,” you may think. In fact you may even be living a “good life” with much of what you want in place. Yet I would contend that many of us block out the highest levels of fulfillment, prosperity, bliss, and peace without even being aware of 
doing so.
I’m going to introduce you to the factors you can change IF you’re truly ready to open your life to the abundance–in all its forms–that the universe holds. Let’s start with the root of our opportunity to thrive–beliefs.
What do you really believe?
Many of the clients I work with will write out lists of goals with confidence and ease. As I get to know them and observe how they live, however, I often see the beliefs they have that run counter to the goals they say they want. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to achieve their goals, it simply means that part of them isn’t fully accommodating to that desire. Here’s an example (names are changed, to protect egos and privacy).
Christine’s transformation
Stated desire — “I want clients who are great to work with.”
Underlying belief — “I have to fulfill all my clients wishes.”
Here are some of the ways Christine’s underlying belief was manifested.
- She charged lower rates than colleagues who provided the same service
- She didn’t charge for extras that she gave clients
- She worked longer hours than she was truly productive for her
Guess what kind of clients Christine attracted to herself — ones who were uber-demanding, didn’t appreciate the extras they had been given, and frequently didn’t pay on time or refer other clients her way.
So our first step was to change the underlying belief (actually there were several beliefs we worked on because they were all adding fuel to this fire). After a few test runs the belief Christine decided to fully live by was:
- “I offer my expertise willingly and enthusiastically and am treated with respect and appreciation by my clients.”
This mindset change immediately impacted the way Christine felt. Instead of being resentful, anxious, and exhausted, she felt relaxed, confident, and even excited about work.Of course, changing her beliefs (and our own) is simply a first step to receiving the abundance that is our birthright. I’ll write about the next step in an upcoming post. In the meantime, add your voice to the discussion.
What beliefs have you changed? What goals do you have that aren’t coming to fruition? How can I support you in giving yourself permission to thrive?
Change the world one hug, smile, or . . . at a time
One of my favorite quotes is from Marianne Williamson:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
This inspiring video from YouTube shows what can happen when we step through that fear and offer whatever it is we have to offer the world. This gentleman, Juan Mann, simply wanted to offer hugs to others because, as he said in an interview, “…everyone just seemed so miserable. So I thought I’d try to do something to just see people smile and cheer up a little bit.” So here’s what happened. (Turn on your speakers to hear the music.)
So that’s one man’s story. Now it’s over to the rest of us. What is our version of the “free hugs?” What will we do today to gift the world by our presence? Perhaps you can offer a kind word, an apology, a favor for someone in need, a listening ear, a welcoming smile, an inspiring email message (thanks to my friend Rose, that’s how I learned about this video!), or something else that feels right to YOU. I’d love to know what unique version of “free hugs” you decided to give.
