Why all the questions?
I’ve been known as the question asker for years. In college I had a fellow student recognize me from a 500-person class by saying, “Aren’t you the woman in my dinosaur class who asks all the questions?” I was. At times in my past I asked questions so I could learn the answers, and ultimately prove my worthiness by reciting the expected and correct responses (I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time but I know it now).
For many years, however, I’ve asked questions primarily to evoke people (not provoke, mind you). By this I mean that I’m an enquirer because I want to meet the real people beneath the masks we all wear. I want to draw YOU out, into the open, into the light, so we (you and me both) can revel in your brilliance and humanity. I ask questions with the hope of seeing who you are at your core. As a coach, friend, and fellow human, I’m likely to ask:
- What inspires you?
- What do you stand for in this world?
- What is your most profound fear?
- What dreams have you deferred or declined to follow?
- What do you love about yourself?
- What part of yourself has been the hardest to own or acknowledge?
And, of course, I ask myself these questions too. Knowing that my authentic self often is veiled from even my own eyes. For, if I do not know myself, it is difficult for me to make room for understanding you.
Through this blog (and my other one focused on weddings and committed relationships–I Do! I Do! the blog), my desire is to be in conversation with you. Asking you questions. Listening to your responses. Reading your questions. Offering my replies. I invite you to join me in sharing ourselves in this way—putting forth our wisdom, our wonderings, and our wonderful selves as we seek to better understand, and therefore, relate to, all those with whom we share our earthly home. Please join in and invite others into our circle.
Award-Winning Columnist Writes About Shonnie & Her Book
As some of you know, in addition to coaching and speaking, I am an author. My first book, Live the Life You’ve Imagined, is a fun, easy-to-read self-help book. I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook is my second book, which I coauthored with my husband, Bruce Mulkey.
Today award-winning, syndicated columnist Susan Reinhardt’s story about us and our book appeared on the front page of the Asheville Citizen-Times Living section. And we couldn’t be more pleased and grateful for Susan’s column and for this opportunity for folks to learn about our work supporting couples to write their own wedding vows.
The story, “Feelings of the Heart: You don’t have to be a professional to write your own wedding vows,” tells about our relationship and how we came to write The Marriage Vow Workbook. It also includes quotes from Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of the NY Times bestseller Getting the Love You Want who contributed to the book, and from newly-weds Allison Jordan and Gil Holmes, who used the book to write their vows.
In addition, the story offers our how-to tips for writing your own vows as well as Tom and Sharon Parish’s “Tips for Staying Together” that they gave us as a wedding gift in 1999.
Our profound gratitude to each of you who have supported (and are supporting) us in this endeavor, be it in action, word or spirit. Our intention is to make our book available to couples who want to create fulfilling and enduring relationships and, in doing so, help shift the cultural paradigm toward one of greater love, connection and compassion.
You can read the full story online. To learn more about Susan Reinhardt, visit susanreinhardt.com.
Reach Your Goals & Have Fun Doing So — It Is Possible
A blogging friend, Nneka wrote a post about making SMART goals (if you don’t know about this acronym yet, read her post). I have two points to add based on my experience of coaching others (and myself) to set and enjoyably achieve important goals.
- Instead of “attainable” which I think is a close cousin of “realistic,” I encourage my clients to write “action-oriented” steps such as “Call one friend a day to walk with me,” or “Acknowledge myself out loud at least once daily.” I find many people write down steps that aren’t actually do-able. If it’s not something you can physically, mentally, or emotionally accomplish, make it concrete so you’ll know when it’s done.
- Catapult yourself to more joy in working toward your goals by making them “SMARTI” goals. This adds a final step, the “I,” which stands for “intention” or one’s purpose for working toward a goal. Many of us put goals on our list thinking we “should” accomplish them or that it will be “good for us.” I’ve found a higher success rate when people have a deeply meaningful reason for setting a goal in the first place.
For instance, I’m currently working on selling at least 4,000 copies of my new book, I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, by the end of 2006. Although I think that’s an important goal, when I hit the challenging days, I need something more significant to keep me going. So I, along with my husband and coauthor, Bruce, wrote up our intentions behind this goal. These intentions (shown below) speak to our larger purposes in life and therefore help sustain our enthusiasm when sometimes the actual book sales goal fails to inspire us.
- We support conscious couples to create distinctive, eloquent, and inspiring marriage/commitment vows and, out of those vows, cultivate enduring relationships that are truly ideal for them.
- We authentically share who we are and the gifts we offer in a manner that is readily accessible and that builds bonds of trust with those who seek what we offer.
- We help shift from the dominant cultural paradigm toward one of greater love, connection, and compassion.
I welcome your thoughts on SMART or SMARTI goals. Any suggestions you have used to make accomplishing your goals fun are especially welcome!
Everyday Gifts – How You Can Show Your Love Without Spending a Dime
Sometimes we try so hard to find the “right” gift that we overlook simpler ideas that might be just as meaningful. Or, we hold back on gifting others, thinking that there needs to be a special reason for giving. I encourage you to give freely and often, remembering 
that giving is one activity that benefits the person on each end of the exchange. Below are ten gifts I believe are appropriate for any ordinary day and every special occasion. Plus, they are gifts that anyone can give because they require nothing but a willingness to be generous.
- Time – Sharing your time is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Whether you offer ten minutes of story time to a child, a lunch date to a friend, or an afternoon away from chores to your spouse, you’re offering yourself and building a relationship at the same time.
- Honest Acknowledgement – I hear very few people say that they receive too many compliments or too much praise. We all thrive when we get positive feedback and genuine appreciation for who we are or what we do. Start noticing the strengths, assets, and positive features of others and establish a new trend of personally acknowledging others for what you see.
- Forgiveness – Forgiveness is a tremendously powerful gift. When we forgive others, we stop punishing them for their real or imagined act (whether we’ve been overt or clandestine in our retaliation). We give them our permission to let go of guilt or shame that they may be feeling over what they did. Forgiveness also has the benefit of freeing us from re-experiencing the hurt or anguish of the past incident.
- Love – When we let down our defenses, stop judging others, and see them as another unique, holy, and precious human being, we give them a great gift. Openly sharing our love with others can help heal old wounds, build bridges, and even help someone in a challenging spot in life to move to a new place of confidence or self-assurance.
- Undivided Attention – Even when we offer our time, our minds can be elsewhere, distracted from the person or experience at hand. Let yourself be with another person, setting aside other activities, thoughts, or agendas until you’ve fulfilled your purpose for the encounter. People notice when you’re 100% present and when you’re not, so give them all of you.
- Courtesy – We often are so busy or so absorbed in our life’s dramas that we forget there are other people around us. Give yourself a breather and offer courtesy to the people you encounter each day. Simple acts of opening doors, holding an elevator, sharing a cab ride, picking up your neighbor’s newspaper and dropping it at their door, or letting a car ease in front of you during rush hour all let someone else know you care (Even if they don’t thank you for your kindness it likely registers somewhere inside them.).
- Surprise – This gift allows you to be really creative. Do you want to drop a postcard to your sister saying you love her? How about sending a floral bouquet to your husband (yes, he’ll be surprised)? Maybe you choose to offer to babysit your single co-worker’s son so she can enjoy an evening out with friends. Such gifts can have the most impact on an ordinary day because then the recipient will be totally unsuspecting.
- Gratitude – Giving the gift of gratitude allows you to single someone out and let them know you paid attention to what they did. Like honest acknowledgements, a sincerely offered “thank you” is an uncommon treat. Whether you choose to speak or write your gratitude, this is a gift that goes right to the heart.
- Smile – In the modern world, we often see too few smiling, genuinely happy faces. Reverse this trend by wearing a smile as part of your everyday wardrobe. This countenance conveys warmth, welcome, and friendliness, making it easy for those you’re smiling at to feel “seen.” Give this gift that sends the message, “I’m glad you’re here.”
- Silent Prayer – We could all use extra prayers and blessings in our lives. Even if it’s not consciously known, another person can be blessed when you offer the energetic gift of prayer. Whether or not you know a person’s situation or their religion, you can ask for divine assistance or attention. A simple prayer you might offer: “God/Allah/Great Spirit I ask for you to bless this person and attend to any needs they may have in their life. Thank you.”
Let me know about other free gifts that you love to give. Let’s all build up our gifts list so we’ll be ready the next time our generous gene kicks in! (I wrote this post as part of Darren Rowse’s “How To” group writing project.)
Getting Connected — Are You Reaching Out to Life?
What does this have to do with me, you ask.
As far as I can tell (and I’m new remember), blogging and life aren’t so different. Often, we wait for things in our lives to happen.
“I hope that company will call me back about the job.”
“It would be great to meet a new guy.”
“If only I weighed 10 pound less.”
We can hope and pray and fantasize about getting results in life (or attracting visitors to one’s blog). OR we can take action with a positive, upbeat energy behind it (as opposed to taking action fueled by fear). When we begin to reach out with this kind of attitude and energy, Life’s waiting to take our hands for a dance. Sure, it’s sometimes scary wondering if you know the steps or where you’ll end up when the song’s over. However, as I’m finding out, it’s much more fun being out on the dance floor with others than it is sitting by hoping someone will ask you to dance.
Thanks to my recent dance partners. Whether you like to Tango, Two Step, or Tap, dropping by their sites and take a spin ’round the floor with them.
Where are you ready to start dancing in your life? I’d love to know what you decide to do to reach out for your dance partner.
Are you an instrument of peace?
If you are like me, even though you live your life in accordance with your values (most of the time), you sometimes feel compelled to “do more” for causes you care about. For me, I also sometimes think that the “more” I do needs to be “big.” I’m grateful to coach Sandra Schrift for the following ideas about simple things each of us can do in order to bring more peace into our world. Thanks Sandra for this timely reminder for me!
What can each of us do to contribute to internal, interpersonal, and organizational peace? Here are some ideas from The Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org. The founder, Marshal Rosenberg, created a Nonviolent Communication language so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully.
- Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.
- Remember that all human beings have the same needs.
- Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.
- When asking someone to do something, see if we are making a request or a demand.
- Instead of saying what we DON’T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.
- Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.
Be an instrument of peace in your world. Practice one of Dr. Rosenberg’s ideas and see what happens. Share your stories in the Comments section.
Listening for Love — A Free Teleclass for Couples
Do you want to communicate better with your partner?
Do you want more intimacy in your relationship?
Do you want to hear what your mate is really saying?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, join us Wednesday, November 15, 2006 from 7-8 pm Eastern for Listening for Love: An Introduction to Effective Listening, a powerful and practical class. During this 55-minute session, you will learn:
- Why effective listening is vital to a healthy relationship
- The crucial differences between “hearing” and “listening”
- Some of the barriers that prevent you from hearing what’s really being said
Listening for Love: An Introduction to Effective Listening is a class for couples who want to communicate more effectively. We focus on effective listening, one of the most important, yet most neglected, of our communication skills. Some of the benefits couples who participate can expect are:
- Increased intimacy
- Deeper understanding–of your partner and from your partner
- Greater awareness about your own strengths and challenges as a listener
- More openness toward hearing “positive” or “negative” feedback
Listening for Love is open to all couples (married or dating, heterosexual or homosexual, older or younger, currently struggling or currently satisfied). You are also welcome to join us if you’re not currently in a relationship.
