Change Your Language, Change Your Life (part 3)
Here’s my final installment of tips for making your words work for you.
- Limit your use of “always” and “never”
- Use “I” before “you”
- Watch out for “yes, but…”
- Say it like you mean it
To read through tips #1-6 (which includes Stop “trying.” Replace “can” with “will.” Silence the critic. Drop should.) visit these posts — part 1 and part 2.
Limit your use of “always” and “never.”
Though these two words seem harmless, they can distort your view of reality. Sometimes, for instance, after a rough day at work, you might think, “My boss never shows appreciation for my work,” or, “She always expects me to deal with customer complaints.” While these statements might be true some or even most of the time, chances are there has been at least one exception to them. Holding onto this “always” and “never” attitude prevents you from seeing the truth as it really is. Statements that include “all the time” and “none of the time” have a similar reality-altering effect because they imply the same absolutes as “always” and “never.” Other words that can distort reality are “no one” and “everyone” and “nobody” and “everybody.” Your mind might spring these on you when you’re feeling discouraged or sad—“Nobody loves me” or “Everyone thinks I’m stupid.” Again, if there has ever been an exception to these statements, they are simply not true, and believing them doesn’t serve you.
Use “I” before “you.”
When you want to give feedback to someone that might be difficult for him to hear, use an “I message.” I messages—where you, the speaker are the subject and your thoughts and feelings, rather than your judgments, are conveyed—can help you deliver sensitive information. So rather than saying, “John, you really hurt my feelings when you criticized my work,” using an “I message” you’d say, “John, I felt hurt when you criticized my work.” You still acknowledge the person’s action without blaming him for your reaction to the situation. “I messages” simply allow you to speak your truth in a way that is easier for the other party to hear.
Watch out for “yes, but…”
We frequently use the word “but” when we’re saying successive things that contradict each other—“I like him, but I think he’s really controlling.” Often “but” has the effect of erasing whatever came before it. As in the earlier example, you might find that praise you offer gets forgotten when you follow it with “but” and a critical remark. Or your concerns might be lost if you add “but” and some words of reassurance to protect other people’s feelings—“I’m concerned that this advertisement appears to disparage our competitor, but I know the writers have worked hard to come up with something memorable.” Notice how you use “but” and consider what effect it might have on the way your ideas are understood by others.
Say it like you mean it.
When you speak, you’re delivering a message. What you say, however, may not be what your listeners notice, as your words are only part of how you communicate. Your tone of voice and body language convey meaning to your listener too. Psychologist Albert Mehrabian conducted studies and found that our words account for, at most, 14 percent of how people receive our message. Tone of voice accounted for 86 percent of the message in phone conversations. In face-to-face encounters, listeners receive our message from 7 percent words, 38 percent tone of voice, and 55 percent body language. So make sure you’re delivering the same message at all levels of communication. Saying “I love you” with dispassion, averted eyes, and arms crossed over your chest likely doesn’t ring true to your listener. The same three words spoken emphatically, accompanied by a twinkle-eyed smiling face, and followed by a hug are certain to assure the object of your affection that you do speak the truth.
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